HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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