You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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