my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
