Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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