i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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