Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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