sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
