Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
