All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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