I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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