if i can run in heels then i can drive
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
