Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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