My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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