I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
