this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
