did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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