i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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