Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize