I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
