when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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