..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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