I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
