My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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