somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
