I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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