Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
that is very illegal...i love you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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