I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
