Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
