Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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