Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she looked like the before picture.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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