i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize