4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize