The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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