He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
