All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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