I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i barfeds in our rink
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
