I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
from now on my penis is your penis
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
