I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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