Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm at about main and main street
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
