I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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