I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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