Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
