I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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