Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
