you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
