Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
