4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
