im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
