I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just cropdusted the office
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
