dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
