Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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