Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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