I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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