I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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