Someone shit on the floor
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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