Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
