i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize