don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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