Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
