over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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