I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
