Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
